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Not on Facebook yet? You're probably a mass murderer

Posted 10 August, 2012

Not_on_Facebook_yet_Youre_probably_a_mass_murderer-lsMashable.com reported on Tuesday something we've all known for a long time:

If you’re not on Facebook yet, then you're probably a mass murderer.

Or at least, potential employers and psychiatrists will think you are.

That's right

Worried a future employer may see what you did last weekend?


A candid bong-puffing shot is far safer than them assuming you spent the weekend cleaning your gun arsenal.

6 billion reasons

“There are more than 955 million Facebook users,” Mashable.com reminds us. And with a global population of 7 billion people, that leaves about 6 billion reasons to lock your doors at night.

Of course, Mashable.com didn’t come up with this research on their own. They were actually referring to an article in The Daily Mail...

… that was referring to an article in Der Tagesspiegel...

… that was quoting psychologist Christopher Moeller...

… who never said anything like that.

Here's the Mashable quote again:

[Der Tagesspiegel] went as far as to say that Facebook abstainers have reason to be suspected mass murderers. - Mashable.com

Except... you know...

They didn’t.

At all.


Has Facebook; somehow never caught.


Here's what Moeller actually said:

"The Internet has become a natural part of life," says Moeller. "It is possible that through virtual friends you get positive feedback and feelings."

Google Translate = Close Enough

Personally, I’m proud of Mashable.com. This is a perfect example of the intrepid, fearless blogging I’ve come to respect.

I mean, nevermind what Moeller actually said -- what Der Tagesspiegel actually said.

Nevermind the correct psychiatric definition of the term “psychopath”.

Nevermind that the Daily Mail has the journalistic integrity of a truck stop bathroom.

Mashable.com had a story to get out, and no simple fact-checking was going to get in their way.


It checks the facts on its blog, or it gets the hose.


The Job Hunt

In truth, I don’t think Mashable went far enough.

There are still plenty of scary conclusions psychiatrists and employers can draw from your Facebook account.

So if you’d like to get hired or avoid a maximum-security prison, then here are the danger areas you should avoid:

Be careful of your photos. Do you have a picture of yourself holding a beer? Studies show that 100% of alcoholics consume alcohol -- and thus potential employers will assume you're a drunk.

Watch your interests. Do you like 50 Shades of Grey? Employers will see this as a clear sign you're either a sex offender or likely to perform brutal bondage sex in the conference room.

Keep your family ties. Are either of your parents on Facebook? If not, employers will think you're an orphan, and possibly a masked vigilante who roams the streets at night dressed as batman.

As you can see, there are still plenty of made-up things Mashable could have warned us about.

After all, those ads aren’t going to click themselves.


Thanks for reading! Remember to click Like and Share, or just send some Haight Mail to your friends. Updated each and every week. And yes... it is satire. Mostly.

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