Mitt Romney’s Olympic aspirations died this week when an Olympic Commission found him guilty of Twitter doping.
“We first became suspicious when we realized Mitt Romney’s Twitter account had people following it,” said the commission's chairman, Rupert Fry, in a press release.
“Upon closer inspection, we found that his account showed a spike of tens of thousands of followers, well past his 3,000 daily average -- which, by the way, is the same rate at which bugs find his tour bus windshield.”
The Plot Thickens
Olympic officials have now confirmed that Mitt Romney’s Twitter account acquired 23,926 new followers on Friday, 93,054 on Saturday, and 25,432 on Sunday.
That’s over 15 times what he normally gets for any other three day period -- and nearly twice as much as he gets in an average month.
Let the Games Begin
“I personally believe in Mitt,” said Niles Thornsby, British person. “I think Romney acquired those followers by a series of firm, strategically-placed handshakes.
“In fact,” he continued cheerfully, “the fact that Mitt did this without even a slight increase in his Twitter mentions is just evidence that everyone is very impressed by him, and they just don’t know what else to say.”
Romney follower Patricia Stormbrew helped me make sense of the situation:
“There’s been some argument on Twitter over what you call someone who Tweets. Are they a ‘Tweeter’ or are they a ‘Twit’? Romney’s case is more straightforward...
"He’s simply a Twat.”
Fallout for Romney
Commission chairman Fry has confirmed that the process is now moving forward.
“Romney will be removed from the British games in the traditional fashion. We will scowl at him until he knows that we are very cross, and then he'll be launched into the ocean via trebuchet.
“The latter, of course, being mostly a symbolic gesture," Fry added.
“It was all going so well,” reflected Romney campaign manager, Matt Rhoades, “Mitt had just finished making friends with the whole of the British empire.
“Crowds were chanting his name. Children laughed and played in the streets. MI6 even thought they'd lost the queen, but it turned out she had merely been rendered unrecognizable by a smile.
“The queen smiled,” he gasped, weeping. “And now this.”
When asked where Mitt Romney was at this moment, Matt Rhoades was unable to respond.
“I’m not sure. After he found out the news, Mitt just sort of flew into a Twitter-fueled rage. You don’t just pump your campaign with 140,000 fake Twitter followers without it messing with your head a little.”
Reports indicate that Mitt Romney was last seen stabbing a campaign worker with a trident after the staffer told him it was impossible for Mitt to eat his desk.
“He just went mental,” Rhoades said. “In fact, I haven’t seen him for days.”
Although police are confident they can bring him in safely, Mitt Romney’s Twitter credibility is at an end.
And so, sadly, are his Olympic ambitions.
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